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Infidelity and Forgiveness: The Complexities of Coming Out in a Straight Relationship
By Loren A. Olson, MD, DLFAPA
All relationships have rules, but sometimes those rules get broken. When we are in a relationship, we expect that our partner will maintain our interests in mind even if he or she is tempted to disregard the rules. When the rules are violated, the wrongdoer may be called on to account for his or her habit. Sexual infidelity is the epitome of “rule breaking” and can disrupt or end meaningful relationships.
I know something about breaking rules because I was married with two children when I unexpectedly fell in admire with a human. Things suddenly shifted inside my chief, and I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I was gay; nothing else could explain what I felt.
By most measures, my marriage was nice. My wife and I were top friends and had an acceptable sex life. Shortly before I came out to my wife, she had no idea about my conflict concerning my sexual orientation.
Research on gay men has frequently focused on fidelity and the capacity to sustain long-term relationships. Yet almost nothing has been written about men who h
What Gay Men Should Expect in a Relationship
Some gay men put up with a lot in their relationships. Their long-term partners will aggressively flirt with other men in front of them, go home with a guy from the bar without any forewarning, nap with ex-lovers without gaining consent from their current significant other, or brag to their current boyfriends about the quality of their sex with strangers. Ouch.
Here’s what I locate most concerning. Some gay men don’t feel they own a right to be upset about these behaviors. They’ll ask me why they feel so jealous and how can I support them let leave of their resentment. They think that the gay people believes in sexual freedom and it isn’t cool or manly to dissent to their partner’s sexual behavior.
In other words, they experience shame for experiencing hurt by the actions of their long-term partners.
Heterosexual couples get plenty of social support for treating their partners with respect when it comes to sex. Outrage is the typical social response when friends are told about poor relationship action among straight people. When gay men tell the matching heartbreaking stories they are less likely to get a big response. LGBTQ
Gay Men in Open Relationships: What Works?
Hint: It will take a lot of work.
As a couples counselor working with gay men I am often asked my opinion on monogamy and expose LGBTQ relationships. What works for men in long-term relationships? First, the research.
Several research studies display that about 50% of queer male couples are monogamous and about 50% allow for sex outside of the relationship. The research finds no difference in the level of happiness or stability among these groups.
Next, my opinions and advice, based on my therapy practice.
Talk About It Openly With Your Partner
If you and your partner want to have a close relationship and have additional sex partners, be prepared for a lot of talking. And I’m not just referring to discussions about when, where and with whom. I mean talking about feelings, what we therapists call “processing.”
If that kind of conversation makes you squirm, I understand. Most men are not socialized to adopt the sharing of intimate and vulnerable emotions. However, if you aren’t willing to experiment with processing then I suspect the closeness of your relationship may be limited, and you guys could be headed for
Contents
The following research information is summarised from the published work ofDr. David P. McWhirter, MD and Dr. Andrew M. Mattison, MSW, PhD(professional & personal partners, sadly now both deceased).
Growth in Gay Male Couple Relationships
Over a 5-year period (1974 to 1979), David P. McWhirter, MD and Andrew M. Mattison MSW, PhD interviewed in-depth 156 gay male couples (in the California, San Diego County area) about their significant / intimate couple relationship.
The couples interviewed were not in therapy had been living together as male to male partners anywhere from 1 to more than 37 years, and were not in therapy. The mean time in each relationship was 8.7 years, with the median being slightly over 5 years.
This study documents how intimate relationships between two men develop and grow sustained.
From the interview information, McWhirter and Mattison identified: Six Developmental Stages Of Relationship between gay male couples(the first four stages occurring within the first 10 years of the couple’s relationship).
These developmental stages of gay couples were originally presented as tentative formulations needing furth